Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
