hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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