whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
