so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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