i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We have so much sex to catch up on
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
