I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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