She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
