I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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