dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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