They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
