accomplished twins. life is a go
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
