Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize