I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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