I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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