I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
