I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
