I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I smell like Dick and happiness
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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