If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
