apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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