The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
