When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
