where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
