apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
