I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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