I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
