i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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