Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
