I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
ttyl tear gas
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
