dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
