Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
