you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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