The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
