I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
