If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
