omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
last night I used snow as a chaser
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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