I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
