I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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