Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
