a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
