The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
