I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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