Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
