I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
