god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
