I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
