I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
