do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
