this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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