"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
