i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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