My liver just broke up with me...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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