I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
