The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
