I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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