I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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