I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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