she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
