dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
