Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
