Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my shit smells like andre
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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