On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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