guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
